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Dear Women,

Good morning!  Sorry this took so long to get out, I hope you’ve had a great week.  I’ve recently heard from a few different people concerned about the difference between being in love and feeling loved.  Remember, being in love is a bond, it’s a chemical reaction, it’s an unspoken emotion that exists tying two people intrinsically together.  Feeling loved is the direct result of actions taken by another towards you.  You can feel loved and not be in love, and unfortunately, you can be in love and not feel loved.  I want to focus on the latter because it’s something very near and dear to me, but also, something very difficult to cope with and navigate your way through.  There are two main reasons I can assess as to why something like this would happen in a relationship where both people are truly in love, and they are: Complacency and Superior Life Stressors.  With the Superior Life Stressors – often times when people, particularly men, are faced with stresses in their own life, having nothing to do with their significant other, particularly when involving family and even sometimes work, it becomes difficult to emotionally give more of yourself, especially in a positive way when such major parts of your life are in disarray.  It’s not because they don’t want to or don’t feel that way about you.  Honestly.  Sometimes it’s just too much. And it’s not that they mean to push you to the way-side, but you might be their rock, you might be that one thing in their life that DOESN’T need their concentration or focus or fixing because of how strong your love really is and how enduring your bonds are together.  This does not mean you are not loved.  More importantly, this does not mean that you are not worthy of feeling loved!  Just understand that sometimes people need to focus/invest all their energies and emotions into problems, issues and more chaotic situations, and because you are such an amazing person and influence, and don’t need that sort of attention to be such a positive and motivating force in their lives.  Unfortunately it does take away a little of the attention that would otherwise be directed at you.  I’m sorry for that, and I’m truly sorry if you feel unloved.  But in this situation, please understand and know that you are loved, maybe more than you can comprehend, particularly based on their actions.  Be there to support this person, they need you more than you know and more than they can express.  It will come back around.  Now, dealing with complacency – this is slightly more difficult.  As we all know, people get complacent, people get comfortable and unfortunately this usually equates to either laziness, lack of effort or forgetting what made that love or relationship so special to begin with.  It is important to be honest about how you feel with this other person, but please remember, they only see this through THEIR lens, it’s important that you not try and force them to view it through yours.  Often times when people feel unloved in situations of complacency they get very emotional, upset, and on the offensive when approaching the topic with their significant other.  While I understand it’s difficult sometimes to curve those emotions, it’s incredibly important for you to do so in this case.  My suggestion: wait until things are at least decent and bring it up, NOT as a complaint, but as a question that should lead to a conversation.  “What makes you love me?  Do you feel loved? What things do I do to make you feel loved?”  And be supportive and appreciative of his answers.  And when he gets talking and starts really thing about this, now is the time to breach the subject from another way:  “What is important in this relationship to you?  Where do you see this relationship going, looking back from where it started to where it is now, and looking forward?”  This has turned the conversation from all about him, to then about the two of you, which should allow for the door to open about how YOU’RE feeling.  But go down these roads first, talk about them, be open about them, do NOT start complaining about the present or make it about you yet, get talking about both of you, get his buy-in to your relationship and to you.  Then, after that, express that you know he loves you, just as he knows that you love him, but that lately (hopefully just lately) you don’t FEEL loved.  Try and pull examples of things he used to do or used not to do to help.  But this can’t be a complaint!  It has to come with the invested interest of building your relationship further to the future that you two both just spoke about!  Be understanding, be receptive to his responses, and most of all remember; This person loves you.  I hope this helps because you’re worthy of being loved.  And not just being loved, but FEELING loved.  Remember, you are an amazing person and have to first love yourself before you can love or be loved by others.  Look in the mirror, take a second look, appreciate the amazing person looking back at you and know that you ARE loved, and you will FEEL loved again, whether it requires time, support or a conversation, please invest that in yourself and in your love.  You are worth it.  Love is worth it.  And as always;  Much Love, Smile on.

Sincerely,

Hopeless Romantics

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